Emotional Intelligence

Last week I was involved in two different workshops - one as a participant and one as a facilitator - both dealing in some way with concepts of emotional intelligence, and how this helps us to live more fully as human beings.

The first was a workshop, hosted by UNICEF and the Department of Social Development where they brought together people who have been involved in working with Orphans and Vulnerable Children (or their caregivers), particulalry children who had been affected by HIV/AIDS and with an interest in the provision of psycho-social support for children.

The purpose of the meeting was to share what various groups were learning about the process of providing psychosocial support and to also begin to think about the principles that need to guide the process. Four projects presented their work: Firemaker, run by drama therapists, and using drama and other creative modalities to provide caregivers with tools to work with children; Storywell, which I am part of, which uses story and other creative activities as a medium; REPSSI, which works with hero books, digital storytelling and other modalities and produces a whole range of materials for use – they also showcased the work of MAD about ART, which uses art to work with young people, and has had some powerful impact; and ROBS which has a very long name (can’t remember it) and works with grief counselling, and has teamed up with a project in Australia that makes dolls... (I will find their websites so that any one who is interested can actually log on and see what they do).

The second was a two day workshop which I facilitated, in a corporate setting, working with managers around the concepts of emotional intelligence – drawing on life, on theory, on the movies – to learn together, to reaffirm what was often known, but not practiced, and to meet oneself again.

What struck me about the two workshops?

· The importance of expressing (some you might want to read dealing with) our emotions be they grief, anger or joy – and understanding what has triggered them. In both workshops there was an acknowledgement of how our emotions trip us up when we do not express them. (working with children is, of course, different from working with adults, and one has to understand how children of different ages understand things and express things)

· Working with emotions is both a rational and an intuitive process – the head and the heart need to work in concert with each other – neither is superior, they just provide different insight, and support. The problem is we often elevate the intellect or rational over the heart or emotional or vice versa, instead of seeing them as important aspects of being human.

· The recognition that emotion is an important human response to the world, and in most cases, with the support of people who care, we are able to deal with intense emotions. However there are moments when it becomes pathological – and then we need the support of health professionals.

· The power of listening and being listened to!!!! For most people this is the most important thing – because when you are heard, you are seen, and you reality is acknowledged. It is one of the simplest, and most powerful gifts we can give each other – at home, at school and at work. And it is often one of the hardest things to do! Nancy Kline, in her book, ‘Time to Think’ says, we are often afraid that we won’t get a chance to be listened to, and so we do not listen to other people. When we know that we too will get a chance, then we listen to others.

· The sense that we are all in this together – whether it is working with the orphans, or working in an office, or teaching in a school, or parenting, or being a sibling – we all contribute to the well-being of the people around us AND we can, or should all be able to draw on them for help and support.

· There are many simple and powerful things that we can do to support ourselves and each other – and many of them have to do with being ‘present’, creating structure and support, being creative, listening, giving voice to those things that need to be given voice and listening.

Working with emotions means we should all be ready to be a little vulnerable with each other – and often when we do take that risk we reap incredible results! It is hard work and yet rewarding work.

Value

I had a conversation with my pastor today which set me thinking about value - what I value, how I value, how I measure value, how I express my sense of my own value, how I receive value ... and then I started thinking about what it means in the world we live in. It is an important conversation to have with others and with yourself, in those quiet moments of deep reflection. Can you see your value - not so that you can hit others over the head with it, but so that you can live that value more truly, and more deeply, and thus make a deeper impact on others lives?? Do you know what you value - in the world, in your work, in relationships, and more importantly in yourself? That has and still is part of the journey that I am travelling. I wont say much more, but here is a poem I wrote earlier this year...

The Shell

I woke up and found
that I was a shell
empty inside
hollow

and I thought
‘Of what use can I be – an
empty, hollow
shell?’

For slowly life had worn
me down,
wrenching the insides
out of me.

Dispassionately
I decided to explore
the inner contours of
my shell
the womb-like cavern
that once was full...

and I found
a masterfully crafted
emptiness
a warm and strong place
able to give and to receive
to hold and let flow
to shape and to amplify
to hide and to show
to incubate and to birth

I listened
and
as the winds of life
blew through me,
was surprised to hear
the soulful music that was me,
and I realised
I had become
the hollow reed of a flute
from which hauntingly
beautiful melodies
flowed

Exploring the emptiness
of my shell
I found I was becoming
an even deeper
more resonant
Me..

namutebi - 5 july 08.

Invitations

I am learning again the power of invitation - not a word that is often used in the world of work or business but an incredibly powerful and empowering word. It is more than a word - it is an action, the act of inviting. It has been sitting on my heart the last little while. Cora, a wonderful colleague, first planted it into my mind (others probably have, but she did it in the way only she can do). I was talking to her about work, and about looking for people to work with, and I had a friend who I really wanted to work with. She asked, 'Why don't you invite her to work with you?' And as the conversation went on she said, 'I get the feeling that you are waiting to be asked, or invited into something. Why are you not inviting people..?' She said that when she has something new or interesting to do she invites clients to work with her, and they do, AND they pay her! Amazing. And it is just what we should do. Think about it - what happens when someone says, 'Come and have dinner with me. I really want to spend some time with YOU.' It is hard to resist, and it makes you feel really valued. So it must be just the same when someone says, 'I want to work with you' when you know that they have a whole range of other people they could work with. Or they say, 'I have this new idea I am working on that I would like to try out with you. Come and work (or play) with me.' Now tell me you can resist that! I cant!

I have recently been working on a project that we called the Storywell Project, which was helping caregivers of orphans and vulnerable children to work with story as a way of providng them with psycho-social support. Dorian Harhoff invited me to work with him, using story, in 2006, and at the end of that year we developed a proposal for Storywell, hoping to start working in early 2007. Well the project only got off the ground a year later, and what a journey it has been. The invitation to work with 3 amazing storied people, Dorian, Toto and Elma has been a challenging and fruitful journey. The invitation to work in 2 wonderful communities, challenged by so much, and yet working with such love, and heart has been humbling. And the journeys they have invited us to go on through their stories have been wonderful - often, as one listened to a story, one went on a journey deep into ones self... the story itself was an invitation to meet one's self!

While waiting for the Storywell project to start, and doing other bits of work I was invited, by Robert and Mark, to join Kessels and Smit (where I met Cora - and a whole lot of wonderful people). I am glad that I accepted this invitation, I really am! I am enjoying the sense of working in a company where people get invited to work with colleagues because there is a mutual attraction, a synergy that makes working together meaningful. And it is an attitude that we take into our work with clients. And I think clients enjoy that to, inviting us to 'Come and think with me about this situation.' "I am grappling with issue at work, and I want to find a way forward the works for me and my colleagues - come and work with us, help us find a way forward.' This makes the work really worthwhile because you are working on something that is important to your client, and because they have asked you to work with them. You did not have to 'bid', or 'show you wares', or 'sell' something. The value you bring is your ability to support them in their learning and growth, in building their organisation, in creating their work. The fact that you are invited makes you go into the work with respect for the client and their question or issue, humility and a deep sense of self-worth. That makes the work worthwhile and meaningful.

And so I am inviting you to play with the idea of invitation - invite yourself into your own heart and mind - get in touch, again with what is important to you, with what you love. I got an email today which ended with this quote that spoke about not finding out what the world needed, but finding out what makes your heart sing because the world needs hearts that sing. Well I am inviting you to find out what makes your heart sing, and then to do it, and to invite people to join you who will make your heart sing more beautifully. Think about who you invite into your life. If you do it with some thoughtfulness and lots of heart it will be powerful. You don't have to invite everybody - those you don't invite will be invited by someone else...